Hisss
by BullheadedBlunder
Summary: Rosalie always wanted a mate who was cool-headed, but she never thought of it so literally. It's a one-shot until you ask otherwise, so REVIEW! T, but may be M If I release chapter 2.


I sat in the small clearing, huffing at the distance between myself and the cool refreshment that was the lake. I would take about two minutes for me to run there. It may not seem like any large stretch of time, but being the inhumanly and unfathomably fast vampire that I am you can see why that would bother me. Or maybe you can't. Either way I don't care.

I had run to the clearing with the clear determination to plunge until I was eye to eye with a catfish. The lush foliage around the crystalline blue water gave me a slice of the sky that was absolutely breathtaking. Well, it would be if I had to breathe.

I peeled my clothing off and draped it lazily over a branch. I leaped into the water feeling the cool water drown my pores and draw all stress in my body outward. The only sign of my existence were bubbles that fluttered to the surface, popping effortlessly without a sound.

After a few hours, I'd decided that to return to the surface before Alice decided to find me and give me an earful about hanging my clothes blah-blah-blah.

As I stepped out of the water and onto the warm moist sand of my private oasis, I heard a soft hiss. It was just loud enough for me to hear and I would have thought nothing of it had I not heard it right beneath my foot. I paused for a moment but placed a bit more pressure on the sand to be greeted with the same sound, however more aggravated it may have sounded.

I hummed thoughtfully and dug my hand in, only about an inch or two before I was met with a dry scaly material.

A snake? This close to water? I put my hand just under it and pulled up revealing that it was, indeed, a snake. However, what I had failed to account for, was the fact that I merely had the gray scaled reptile's tail. The further I pulled the more snake was revealed under it. At its full length, it was nearly 20 feet. I peered at the snake curiously, I don't know why I found it particularly interesting. Maybe it was the length, the odd color?

No. It was the thin onyx black eyes that stared back into my own.

Mate.

Mate?

MATE!

My mind screamed at me to gather it into my cool arms and rush it to safety. To rush it to a warm area to bask and thrive, but while my instincts begged me to rush my hissing mate (Roll Credits) to my home, the other, more rational side could not believe what was happening.

Did I just mate to a fucking snake?

While trying to validate and explain the strange anomaly that was my mate I hadn't realized that I had grabbed the poor thing and rushed int to my home quicker than I had arrived at my sanctuary. How I managed to gather their entire body in my arms? I have no idea, but it did and when I burst through the door I was met with many an odd gaze.

Alice looked at me slightly shocked and mildly irritated, Carlisle looked curious as usual, Esme covered both Emmett and Edward's eyes, though Edward's pale lips were cast into a thin line. Jasper had looked away from me, pinching the bridge of his nose and sighing.

"Rosalie, where are your clothes?" Jasper huffed, not raising his eyes for a moment.

I looked down at my nude form for a moment, then shrugged. "You act like you've never seen a naked woman," I grumble.

"Just because I've seen naked women does not mean that I want to see my sister naked."

"Ugh, fine." I delicately place my wiggling mate on the ground, tossing a wary glance before running and changing into something decent.

I'm back within no time, though it felt like an eternity. I slowly lower myself to my mate's level and gently stroke their smooth scales. I can feel my family's questioning gaze as they stare into my back. "Now," I stand. "If you would be so kind as to let me tell you what has taken place today, that would be wonderful." I grind out.

They all nod and I begin my tale of how I met my cold-blooded mate. By the time I finish I feel a tad lightheaded and almost stumble, but quickly catch myself. What the fuck was that? "And now I'm mated to a fucking snake."

"Language, Rosalie." Esme chastises.

"Sorry, Nu är jag hustru till en jävla orm." I know I'm being a smart-ass, but they would expect no less.

"Actually, she's not a snake." Edward chimes in, removing Esme's hand from his eyes.

"What do you mean? I can see it-er, her. She's a snake." I narrow my eyes dangerously at him.

"She's not just any snake. She is a Kenyan Sand Boa. And that is not what I meant. I meant she is not fully a snake, at least as far as I can tell mentally."

"What?" I raise a finely manicured brow.

"She is a shifter, I believe," He pauses a moment as he stares deeply at my snake. He chuckles and returns his attentions to me. "Scratch that; I know she's a shifter now."

"How?"

He points at my mate, who seems to be trying to burrow into the carpet. Without a moment of pause, he begins repeating her thoughts aloud. "Human, your sand is broken! I will figure out this hard sand," He pauses. "Gah! How do you live like this? What kind of maniacs are you?!"

I growl at my mate's frustration. "It's because it's not sand…" I murmur.

"Was that a growl? Since when can humans do that? And is she talking to me?" Edward starts again. She slithers over to Edward before rising intimidatingly.

"You can read my thoughts?" He says. That is all the confirmation my mate needs as she lowers her body and turns in my direction. She freezes. "Mate." I hear Edward mutter.

Before, I can blink a tanned woman with chestnut locks has me engulfed in a hug that, had I truly been human, would have crushed my lungs. I embraced her back with the same ferocity.

I think that this will work just fine.

A/N

Just a one-shot I thought I would write after a particularly funny video I saw. Ass one more chapter if you really want it. Nothing too extravagant, really. Please review. I read every one of them.


End file.
